Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve had the habit of talking to myself, whether I’m at home, on the playground, or even at the grocery store. Initially, I thought this was just a quirky phase I’d eventually outgrow. However, it’s become a vital part of my well-being that I can’t do without. It turns out that self-talk has real, scientifically-supported benefits that have profoundly altered my thought processes, emotions, and actions. I’m not alone in this; mental health clinician Grace Lautman, LMHC, advises, “I suggest this form of self-talk to anyone who finds themselves more compassionate towards others than themselves.” As kids, we absorb the voices of our caregivers and can develop overly critical ones that were meant to prevent mistakes in an unsafe environment. As we progress through life, the way we talk to ourselves can significantly influence our self-esteem, social interactions, and drive.
Thankfully, it’s never too late to alter the way we speak to ourselves.
Grace Lautman, LMHC, CN, a licensed mental health counselor and certified nutritionist, and the founder of Honor Nutrition & Counseling, along with Saba H. Lurie, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and the founder of Take Root Therapy, share their insights.
Lautman explains, “When you talk to yourself aloud, you’re essentially parenting the parts of yourself that never had the chance to develop a solid sense of self-worth.” This self-talk reinforces to your brain that you are in control. As we age, trusting ourselves is crucial for building self-esteem and discerning when to tune out external noise.
Regardless of age, we’re all prone to emotional dysregulation. “Critical self-talk can easily escalate in our minds,” Lautman notes. “By talking ourselves through situations, we can actually soothe our nervous systems. For example, if you’re feeling terrible about a mistake or a problem, but you remind yourself, ‘What you’re feeling is valid. It’s human,’ it can be incredibly grounding and less intimidating.” She suggests identifying a phrase or mantra to repeat during emotional turmoil.
Our self-perception directly impacts how we treat others. “As you talk to yourself aloud, you become more aware of your own experiences, and you’re less likely to fault others,” Lautman says. “Responding to our emotions internally enables us to communicate more effectively and kindly with others.” Taking a moment to assess our feelings before responding to an emotionally charged question can enhance our social connections and reduce the likelihood of reacting impulsively in stressful situations.
Saba H. Lurie, a marriage and family counselor, adds, “Talking to yourself can be a chance to embrace humor. It allows you to laugh at your own thoughts, mistakes, or peculiar habits. Humor can alleviate stress, shift perspectives, ease difficult moments, and remind us not to take ourselves too seriously. Approaching your inner thoughts with humor can provide some relief for those who struggle with intrusive thoughts. Not every thought requires attention!”
As we grow older, we often resist curiosity. “Talking to yourself opens up space for questions, and approaching yourself with curiosity can lead to greater self-awareness and understanding,” Lurie says. “We all need a more compassionate inner voice that offers care, encouragement, understanding, and honest accountability. Cultivating this kind of internal support can help us grow and improve in a healthy way without shame or avoidance.” This can be as simple as asking yourself get-to-know-you questions or journaling and reading your responses aloud. It’s never too late to ask questions.
The notion of talking to yourself might seem odd, but the mental health benefits are undeniable. Lautman suggests, “To talk to yourself without discomfort, you need to experiment with what resonates with you and what doesn’t.” She also recommends identifying emotions at play and responding to them. “It doesn’t have to be cheesy or positive; it just needs to be kind and real.” For instance, start by describing your feelings and asking yourself why. What triggered these emotions? How do you typically handle them? When was the last time you felt this way, and what did you do to address it? Why or why not? Imagining yourself speaking to a friend or family member can also help the conversation flow more naturally. “Discard what doesn’t work for you and use what resonates,” Lautman advises.
Lurie suggests beginning by simply stating your internal thoughts aloud. “Since most of us already talk to ourselves internally, a good starting point is to externalize that dialogue when you’re alone,” she says. “Speaking things out loud can help us become more conscious of what we’re telling ourselves and allow us to be more intentional with our self-talk.” When you notice repetitive thought patterns, consider writing them down as prompts for future self-talk practices. Ask yourself why you’re drawn to these thoughts and how they affect you. Do you want to believe them or break free from them? Take the time to engage in this dialogue. As Lurie points out, “The relationship you have with yourself is one of the most significant relationships in your life.”
